While lawyer jokes are popular among legal professionals, most aren’t appropriate for professional settings. These 100 jokes are best saved for personal enjoyment rather than the office break room, where maintaining professionalism is essential for paralegals and legal staff.
How does an attorney sleep? Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
You’ve heard that one, along with a million other lawyer jokes that people have sprung on you from the moment you first announced you were going to school to become a paralegal. Some of them probably even get told around the law office. Even lawyers like to laugh, and many aspects of legal practice are ripe for a little deadpan humor.
Still, even lawyers who like to make fun of themselves and their profession have some limits. The following 100 jokes might be good for a laugh at home or on the street, but don’t try telling them around the break room at the office!
Why Lawyer Jokes Are Popular
Lawyer jokes have been part of popular culture for centuries, often reflecting public perceptions about the legal profession. While exaggerated and stereotypical, these jokes touch on familiar themes like legal fees, courtroom drama, professional ethics, and the adversarial nature of litigation. For aspiring paralegals and those already working in legal environments, understanding these stereotypes helps you navigate workplace culture while maintaining professionalism.
The prevalence of lawyer jokes serves multiple purposes. They provide stress relief for those working in demanding legal careers, offer the public a way to process complex feelings about the justice system, and foster a sense of camaraderie among legal professionals who share similar workplace experiences. Even attorneys themselves often appreciate well-crafted legal humor when shared in appropriate contexts.
Research shows that humor can be an effective coping mechanism in high-pressure professions. The legal field, with its long hours, high stakes, and emotionally charged situations, often benefits from professionals who can find moments of levity. The key is knowing when and where that humor is appropriate.
Types of Legal Humor
Legal humor comes in many forms, from quick one-liners to elaborate story jokes. Understanding the different types can help you recognize what might work in professional versus personal contexts.
| Humor Type | Description | Workplace Appropriate? |
|---|---|---|
| Self-Deprecating | Lawyers making fun of their own profession or work situations | Sometimes, if genuinely lighthearted |
| Professional Stereotypes | Jokes about billing practices, ethics, or courtroom behavior | Rarely, as they can seem unprofessional |
| Wordplay and Puns | Legal terminology used in clever or unexpected ways | Often acceptable if clean and clever |
| Situational Stories | Humorous anecdotes about legal scenarios or courtroom events | Depends on content and context |
| One-Liners | Quick, punchy jokes about the legal profession | Rarely, as most are stereotype-based |
Workplace Appropriateness
While humor can relieve stress in demanding legal environments, professional boundaries matter significantly. As a paralegal, your reputation and relationships with attorneys, clients, and colleagues depend on maintaining appropriate workplace conduct. Understanding what makes humor workplace-appropriate is an essential part of professional development in the legal field.
Appropriate workplace humor is inclusive, doesn’t target specific individuals or groups, maintains professional boundaries, and aligns with your firm’s culture. It should never undermine the seriousness of client matters, mock opposing counsel in unprofessional ways, or reflect poorly on your firm’s reputation. When uncertain, err on the side of professionalism, especially in client-facing situations or when working with new colleagues.
Consider your audience carefully. What might be funny among close colleagues during a lunch break could be completely inappropriate in a meeting with clients, during court proceedings, or when communicating with opposing counsel. Context matters tremendously in legal settings where professionalism and credibility are paramount.
Save stereotype-based jokes for personal entertainment, not the office. Your professional advancement depends on being known for your competence, reliability, and judgment. While humor has its place, your primary reputation should be built on your paralegal skills and professional conduct.
100 Lawyer Jokes You Shouldn’t Tell at Work
Here are 100 lawyer jokes that are popular but best kept outside professional settings. Consider them a reminder that even serious professions benefit from those who don’t take themselves too seriously, just not at the office. We’ve organized them from 100 down to 1, with the “best” (or worst, depending on your perspective) saved for last.
100 – Library Card
Why did the lawyer bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the bar exam was really high.
99 – Time Machine
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a clock? A clock gives you the time of day for free.
98 – Coffee Break
How many lawyer jokes are in existence? Only one. All the rest are documented cases.
97 – Bird Watching
Why did the lawyer name his daughter Sue? It was the only word he knew how to say.
96 – Weather Forecast
What’s the ideal weight for a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.
95 – Swimming Lessons
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them.
94 – Book Club
What do you call a lawyer who’s gone bankrupt? A lawyer.
93 – Zoo Trip
Why won’t sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
92 – Gardening Tips
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can’t refuse, subject to the following 18 conditions and clauses.
91 – Movie Night
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? One is a bloodsucking parasite. The other is an insect.
90 – Road Trip
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a toxic waste dump? Location, location, location.
89 – Cooking Class
How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.
88 – Music Lesson
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? Only one in a million ever becomes a human being.
87 – Dance Class
Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet deep? Because deep down, they’re really good people.
86 – Computer Repair
What’s brown and looks really good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
85 – Grocery Shopping
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
84 – Exercise Routine
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?
83 – Pet Store
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a lawyer? An animal that will bite your leg off and then sue you for compensation for damages.
82 – Fishing Trip
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From ambulance chasing.
81 – School Day
What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they’re boring.
80 – Family Reunion
How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? You can’t fit a finger between the rope and his neck.
79 – Birthday Surprise
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.
78 – Career Day
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
77 – Picnic Plans
Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got the first choice.
76 – Office Party
What do lawyers use as contraceptives? Their personalities.
75 – Dental Visit
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer miles.
74 – Car Wash
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
73 – Laundry Day
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100? Your Honor.
72 – Post Office
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Senator.
71 – Bank Visit
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
70 – Doctor Appointment
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice.
69 – Restaurant Review
What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick falls off when you’re dead.
68 – Hotel Check-In
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
67 – Airport Delays
What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One’s a slimy, scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and the other is a fish.
66 – Morning Coffee
Why don’t lawyers play hide and seek? Because nobody will look for them.
65 – Evening Walk
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a more protracted fight.
64 – Weekend Plans
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
63 – Vacation Photos
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
62 – Phone Call
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
61 – Text Message
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish? One’s a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
60 – A Fine Line
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
59 – Matter of Perspective
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
58 – Professional Courtesy
Why don’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
57 – Medical Distinction
What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances? Retired.
56 – The Honest One
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty-five.” “That’s funny,” says St. Peter. “According to your billable hours, you’re at least ninety-three.”
55 – Simple Addition
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
54 – Career Change
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.
53 – Lab Testing
Why did God invent lawyers? So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
52 – The Experiment
Scientists have recently discovered that lawyers have replaced rats in laboratory experiments. Two reasons: there are more lawyers than rats, and scientists don’t get as attached to them.
51 – Dictionary Definition
What’s the definition of a shame? A busload of lawyers is going over a cliff. What’s the definition of a “crying shame”? There was an empty seat.
50 – Honest Living
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading into his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around angrily. “What on earth are you doing?” “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” “Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”
49 – The Difference
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a more protracted fight.
48 – Biblical Times
Why did God create lawyers? So that people wouldn’t blame everything on the politicians.
47 – Shark Week
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? Another lawyer.
46 – The Discovery
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder. The other is a fish.
45 – Career Comparison
What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.
44 – Technicality
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
43 – New Research
What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
42 – Simple Math
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
41 – The Principle
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.
40 – Historical Fact
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
39 – Holiday Spirit
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
38 – Professional Standards
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?
37 – Ethical Question
Why don’t lawyers go to the beach? Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
36 – Medical Advice
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
35 – Zoo Visit
How can you tell the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The vulture waits until you’re dead before eating your heart out.
34 – The Diagnosis
A man goes to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study. He sees a sign that reads: “Doctor Brain $8.00 a pound” and another sign that reads: “Paralegal Brain $12.00 a pound.” He then sees a third sign that says: “Lawyer Brain $1,000 a pound.” So he asks the attendant why lawyer brains are so expensive. The attendant replies, “Do you know how many lawyers we had to use to get one pound of brain?”
33 – Last Words
What are the three things you can’t give a lawyer? A black eye, a fat lip, and a legitimate reason to sue you.
32 – Job Security
Why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the car accident on the other side.
31 – The Consultation
A lawyer calls his client to discuss his fee schedule. “Alright,” the lawyer says, “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.” “That’s a bit steep, isn’t it?” the client asks. “Yes,” says the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”
30 – Restaurant Service
A lawyer, a doctor, and a priest are on a sinking ship. The doctor says, “We need to save the children!” The priest says, “Screw the children!” The lawyer says, “Do we have time?”
29 – The Interview
How does an attorney sleep? First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
28 – Birthday Party
What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
27 – Garden Party
Why don’t lawyers play hide and seek? Nobody will look for them.
26 – The Will
A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite a different friend to join him. One summer, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit. They had a wonderful time, and the lawyer asked him, “What do you think of the United States?” His friend replied, “It’s nice, but I think I prefer Czechs and balances.”
25 – Economic Theory
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
24 – Desert Island
A lawyer is stranded on a desert island with plenty of food and water, but nothing to read except for the local bar association journal. After two weeks, he breaks down and starts reading it. What do you call that? Desperation.
23 – Santa’s List
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.
22 – Traffic Stop
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver replies, “Officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says, “Now don’t be silly, dear. You know this car doesn’t have cruise control.” The officer writes out a ticket. The driver looks over at his wife and barks, “Well, don’t you see? You’ve made me look like a fool!” “You don’t need any help from me, sir,” she says. The officer looks at the woman and asks, “Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?” “Only when he’s been drinking,” she replies.
21 – Weather Report
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
20 – If There’s Hell Below
As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery, he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”
19 – Take the Bad with the Badder
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.
18 – No Offense, Bikers
What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
17 – Soul for Sale, Dirt Cheap
An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all your friends.” The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”
16 – Invertebrates Have Feelings Too
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish? One is a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
15 – Hang ‘Em High
How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.
14 – The Blue Pill
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.
13 – Of Time and Dollars
A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 passed away and arrived at the Pearly Gates for judgment. The lawyer said to St. Peter, “There must be some mistake! I’m only 50 years old, that’s far too young to die.” St. Peter frowned and consulted his book. “That’s funny, when we add up your billing records, you should be at least 83 by now!”
12 – Pull!
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.
11 – Screw Me Twice, Shame on Me
Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
10 – Speaking Ill of the Dead
One day the phone rang at a law office and when the receptionist answered a man asked to speak to Mr. Dewey. “I’m sorry, sir,” the receptionist said. “Mr. Dewey passed away yesterday.” “Oh. Goodbye.” But every day for the next two weeks, the same man called back, and the same exchange occurred. Finally, the receptionist said, “Sir, I have told you repeatedly that Mr. Dewey died. Why, why do you keep calling and asking for him?” “Oh,” the man replied, “I just like to hear it.”
9 – K-99 Problems
What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman Pinscher.
8 – In Flames and Inflamed
A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. “What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
7 – Double Time
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
6 – No Good Question Goes Unbilled
A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was. “$100 for three questions,” answered the lawyer. “Isn’t that a little steep?” said the man. “Yes,” said the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”
5 – Unless It’s One of Our Witnesses, Of Course
What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth? The wooden partitions around the witness stand.
4 – You Can’t Get Mad at Gravity
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
3 – Of Swine and Men
A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening. They walk to a nearby farm, and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck, but he has only two extra beds, and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later, he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep in the same building as a cow.” So the rabbi says, “It’s okay, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But soon, he is back knocking on the door as well, saying, “There is a pig in the barn, and I cannot shelter in a building with a pig.” So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. Shortly after, there is another knock at the door, and the farmer sighs and answers it. It’s the pig and the cow.
2 – Have a Cigar
A young lawyer, defending a businessperson in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner whether he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyer’s favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponent’s business card with them.”
1 – It’s Funny Cause It’s True
How many lawyer jokes are there, anyway? Only three. The rest are true stories.
When Humor Works in Legal Settings
Despite the caution about workplace appropriateness, humor does have its place in legal careers. Understanding when and how to use humor effectively can actually enhance your professional relationships and career development.
Appropriate legal workplace humor typically involves self-deprecating remarks about the challenges of the profession, lighthearted observations about legal procedures (that don’t mock the justice system), wordplay and puns related to legal terminology, and shared experiences that colleagues can relate to. Many successful paralegals and attorneys build rapport with colleagues through carefully deployed humor that brings teams together during stressful periods.
The best professional humor focuses on universal experiences rather than targeting individuals or groups. For example, joking about the challenge of deciphering handwritten case notes or the surprising ways clients sometimes phrase legal questions can create camaraderie without crossing professional boundaries. Similarly, acknowledging the inherent wordiness of legal documents or the peculiarities of legal jargon can be a source of shared amusement.
Timing matters significantly. Humor works best during casual moments like lunch breaks or after completing a challenging project. It’s rarely appropriate during client meetings, court proceedings, depositions, or any situation where professionalism directly impacts client service or case outcomes. Your judgment about when to use humor reflects your understanding of professional context and workplace culture.
Building a reputation for sound judgment includes knowing when humor helps and when it hinders. As you develop your paralegal career, pay attention to how respected senior staff members use humor. You’ll likely notice they employ it sparingly and strategically, never at the expense of professionalism or client service.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can I tell these lawyer jokes at work?
Most of these jokes aren’t appropriate for professional legal settings. While humor can relieve stress, paralegals should maintain professional boundaries and avoid jokes that stereotype attorneys or the legal profession in workplace settings. Save stereotype-based humor for personal time and focus on building your reputation through competence and professionalism at work.
Why do people make jokes about lawyers?
Lawyer jokes often stem from stereotypes about the legal profession, including perceptions about fees, ethics, and the adversarial nature of litigation. While exaggerated, these jokes reflect public attitudes toward the legal system and provide stress relief for those working in demanding legal environments. The legal profession’s high visibility in society and its role in contentious matters naturally lead to humor as a coping mechanism.
Is humor important in legal careers?
Yes, appropriate humor can be a valuable stress management tool in legal careers. Paralegals and attorneys often face high-pressure situations, long hours, and emotionally charged cases. Healthy humor used appropriately can improve workplace morale, strengthen team bonds, and help maintain work-life balance. The key is ensuring your humor aligns with professional standards and workplace culture.
What makes a workplace joke appropriate?
Appropriate workplace humor is inclusive, doesn’t target specific individuals or groups, maintains professional boundaries, and aligns with your firm’s culture. It should never undermine client matters, mock colleagues unprofessionally, or reflect poorly on your firm’s reputation. Good workplace humor typically involves self-deprecating remarks, shared experiences, or lighthearted observations about universal aspects of legal work. When uncertain, err on the side of professionalism, especially in client-facing situations.
How can paralegals handle workplace stress professionally?
Beyond appropriate humor, paralegals can manage stress through effective time management, continuing education, professional networking, maintaining work-life balance, seeking mentorship, and developing strong organizational skills. Many paralegal associations offer resources for stress management and career development. Regular breaks, exercise, and maintaining interests outside of work also contribute to long-term career sustainability in this demanding field.
Should I share these jokes on social media?
Exercise caution when sharing legal humor on professional social media profiles, such as LinkedIn. Potential employers, clients, and colleagues may view your posts, and what seems harmless in a personal context can be interpreted differently in professional contexts. If you maintain separate personal and professional social media accounts, reserve stereotype-based legal humor for individual accounts with appropriate privacy settings. Your professional online presence should reinforce your competence and judgment.
Do lawyers actually enjoy lawyer jokes?
Many lawyers do appreciate well-crafted legal humor, particularly when shared in appropriate contexts among peers. Attorneys often face significant stress and enjoy the ability to laugh at the absurdities and challenges of their profession. However, context matters tremendously. The same joke that might be funny at a bar association social event could be completely inappropriate during a client meeting or court proceeding. Successful legal professionals understand this distinction and adjust their humor accordingly.
Key Takeaways
- Lawyer jokes reflect common stereotypes about the legal profession, but should generally be avoided in professional workplace settings where reputation and credibility matter.
- Paralegals should maintain professional boundaries and find appropriate ways to manage workplace stress through time management, continuing education, and a healthy work-life balance.
- Humor can be a valuable coping mechanism in demanding legal careers when used appropriately, inclusively, and in alignment with firm culture and professional standards.
- Understanding workplace culture and professional standards is essential for paralegal career success and advancement in the legal field.
- The best professional humor focuses on shared experiences and universal challenges rather than stereotypes or targeting specific individuals or groups.
- Your judgment about when and where to use humor reflects your understanding of professional context and contributes to your reputation as a competent, reliable paralegal.
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